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Movies Apr. 23rd, 2006 @ 07:08 pm
spasticjoker
I had the opportunity this weekend to see not one but two movies. We have two opposite ends of the spectrum to choose from.

On DVD I caught the low budget (read no budget)"The Sacrifice" which is billed as gay-themed independent horror film. I have had a long standing number one most horrible movie ever by the name of "Shatter Dead", thank you Justin. This movie is no longer number one most horrible. My new number one piece of utter filth and drivel is "The Sacrifice". I understand that this is a low (no) budget movie, so was "Shatter Dead", but this movie is just downright fucking awful. The only thing that made me able to make it all the way through this steaming pile of horse chunder is the fact that I was surrounded by friends and we all proceeded to lampoon the crap out of it. Yes I realize it's low budget, but honest to god this was just plain and simple a pile of garbage. I could film a better full length feature using the video recorder on my cell phone! One would have hoped that the central character could have kept the same hair length through out the length of a movie that only seems to take place around a few days. The sound was piss poor and at times you wanted to rupture your eardrum with a sharpened pencil so you no longer had to subject yourself to it. As for the set pieces, things are seemingly tossed together. For example, the school classroom where their is only five or six students and the majority of them don't even have a pencil or notebook. You know, maybe I should at least attempt to include some plot points of this abaomination, here goes nothing! Angsty teen goth kid moves to New Hampshire town with his mother. Angsty teen goth kid meets up with other kid at school all while conveying an extreme amount of homosexual overtones. Both have mutual interest in occult, they do something with an Ouija board in a cemetary, robed figures with shovels digging, something about skulls, Wacky dreamy flashbacky things? Big ceremonial sacrifice complete with the undressing of angsty goth kid, machete, blood, lots of naked man ass, yeah it all sorta went something like that. I know understand why this movie is called "The Sacrifice", you sacrificed your time to watch this horrid little ass bomb and now you will never, ever get that time back.
I have to give it something, so one of one it shall get...

Kung Fu Hustle Aug. 9th, 2005 @ 08:04 pm
spasticjoker


This is one movie I would have enjoyed even more if I caught it in the theatre, but instead I ended up watching "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Big mistake there, Hitchhiker's was the giant steaming bowl of monkey poo compared to "Kung Fu Hustle". Stephen Chow directs and acts in this one. The previews for this one make it out to be nothing more than a regular slap stick kung fu movie. Not so! Stephen Chow is Sing, he is trying to join the largest gang in town, the Axe Gang. These characters dress like old school gangsters and have a tendency to pull off some odd dance numbers when they are not kicking the crap out of people. Sing winds up in an altercation which draws the axe gang to the pig stye slums. The rest of the denizens of the slums are unaware that three of their number are kung fu masters, until they kick the crap out of the axe gang in magnificent fashion. This causes the axe gang to retaliate even harder than before, all hell breaks loose. The fight scenes are amazing, as well they should be, they had the same dude who had a hand in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". Oh yeah, it's no quicky smack smack down you go fights over type situation here. These battles are of epic proportion and destruction on a grandious scale. The characters involved are all wonderful, the three fung fu masters, the land lord and land lady, the head honcho of the axe gang. The soundtrack to this movie is incredible, I usually go for the grinding guitars and hard rock riffs, but in Hustle we have traditional oriental music that really matches the scenes in the movie it's matched up with. I found myself wanting the soundtrack so I could listen to the hypnotic rythms over and over again. Before I forget, the sets where all the action takes place is amazing, multi leved areas for the characters to bound and leap off of, open areas for massive amounts of fists to fly. Must not forget the fact that this flick is not just straight up action, although its a huge portion of it, it's friggan hilarious. Some parts will have you clutching your sides after you recover from your spasm of laughter.


See it, admire the scenery, the music, the action, and comedy. It just may have something that everyone could enjoy. That's why it rolls the bones with a five out of five.

The Devil's Rejects Jul. 26th, 2005 @ 09:16 am
spasticjoker


What can I say, with this movie you stand at the the pinnacle of the mountain of madmen, psychos, and sadists. The Devil's Rejects is Rob's follow up to House of 1000 Corpses. Rejects takes the first movie and punches it right in the face, drops it to the ground, and pounds on it with a sledge hammer. Your favorites are all here, Otis, Baby and Captain Spaulding all more gritty and hard edged than before. Along side the Firefly clan some new faces appear Sheriff John Wydell (William Forsythe), Rondo (Danny Trejo), Snapper (Diamond Dallas Page) and a whole slew of other faces you might just recognize from other places.
Ok, as far as plot goes, this one picks up what seems a few weeks after the events of the first film. Intensity from the word go. The local police force decends upon the Firefly homestead led by the brother of the previous Wydell. He is seeking vengance for the death of his kin and will stop at nothing to bring the outlaws to justice. The movie takes off from here, I really don't want to spill anything on what goes on, so I won't. You will need to see this movie. The little technical details that Zombie had in the first movie have been completely obliterated here, this one doesnt come off like one big music video. This is a south texas death ride in the truest sense of the phrase, we are taken on a wild ride of emotional intensity I have not felt in a movie for quite some time. The way this movie is shot too is wonderful, from the bleak and desolate locales to the cramped confines of the rooms, it all works wonderfully together. As for the soundtrack, we don't hear the metal and hard edgy stuff Rob went with for the first movie, we wind up with some classics of rock. Yes you even hear Freebird by Skynrd, althought the accompanying footage will most likely leave you trying to pick your jaw up off the floor.


This one gets all five, if my scale went higher it would most likely get double. The first movie to really have a wild sense of true intensity and momentum. See it, you won't be dissapointed.

The Chronicles of Riddick - Directors Cut Jul. 25th, 2005 @ 08:54 am
spasticjoker


This movie picks up some where down the line where Pitch Black left off. Riddick (Vin Diesel) has a hefty bounty on his head and is being pursued by mercenaries. He ends up smack dab in the middle of interstellar racial cleansing. The dudes doing the whole cleansing action are called Necromongers. They either convert you or kill you, go figure. Sounds like a bunch of futuristic Nazi's on some level. Riddick ends up learning a little about his oh so mysterious past and sets out to take down the Necromongers. Visually this movie is great, story wise is scraping the barrel. The plot in this movie only functions to move the whole set up forward so cool stuff can happen. Set pieces in here are really cool to look at, all of the Necromonger ships, gear and architecture are totally bad ass. The acting is acceptable, we'll leave it at that, you have Vin Diesel doing what Vin does, talking how he talks and moving how he moves. Yes he still totally houses the competition, no surprise there. Only one other character stands out in this whole debauchery, the Lord Marshall of the Necromongers played by Colm Feore. Even if you don't recognize the name you would recognize the face. He played the bad dude in Stephen King's "Storm of the Century".


This one comes in three out of five skulls. Good action, cool stuff too look at but not too strong on the story end of things.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Jul. 17th, 2005 @ 02:22 pm
spasticjoker


The remake of the classic. There has been a lot of contraversy as to wether or not the original could be topped, or if it should be remade. Well people, don't worry your little heads on this one. Good ol' Tim Burton really pulled off something fantastic here. In my own grandious opinion, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory blows the original out of the water. I was impressed with every aspect of this movie, Tim Burton knows what he is doing. The set pieces were great, shiny and happy at first glance but upon looking deeper, you see the dirty and misbegotten on the fringes. The oompa loompas were done very well, they were all based off of one actor. They were also much smaller than the original ones, but this added to their creepy factor. The kids as well as the parents were all cast perfectly. One felt incredibly sympathetic for Charlie and his family. You also had a large amount of dislike and outright disgust for the four other finders of the golden tickets. There was Augustus, little rolly polly bastard that he is, the color and sheen they put on his skin was a wonderful touch. Mike TV was updated a little, instead of just watching TV he was a video game fanatic but a little friggan jerk too. Violet is a competitor, brought up that way by her plastic mother. She wants to win the prize that is offered, but not listening to people gets her into a pretty gruesome situation. Veruca, what the hell can I say about this little pain in the ass, you felt like punching her in her oversized freakin teeth. Truly stuck up and snobbish, wanting it all her way at this very second. Now onto the main man himself, Willy Wonka played by Johnney Depp. Gene Wilder step out of the way, you have been superceded. Completely different in every aspect, this version is ultra ultra creepy and a total and complete jerk in every shape and form. The plot follows pretty true to the original as well with out any sort of great deviation, well except for the flashbacks Wonka has, but those are even made fun of at one point.


Five out of five all the way on this one. The characters, small plot tweaks, and sets are all fantastic. Go see it, you will not be dissapointed.
Other entries
» Being Ron Jeremy


Here is one that I really don't think I would have grabbed off of the shelf of my own free will. Before actually seeing this one on the shelf, I had never even heard of it. Here is the low down, it's a total rip on "Being John Malkovitch", but instead of Johnny boy, you have the porn star Ron Jeremy. Plot wise, you have a struggling comedian by the name of Brian Pickles (Brian Berke) who works at a porn store. He has the hots for his female co-worker Mia (Mia Crowe), who won't give him the time of day. Loser boy finds portal into Ronny J's melon. The only way Mia will hookup with Brian is if he is in Ron Jeremy, but every time Brian is in RJ he makes him spunk early and it begins to effect Ron's adult film career. Hilarity ensues. This flick is also packed full of adult film star hotties too, so if that's what you like, bonus for you too. The funniest scenes of the movie are when Andy Dick (playing himself) and Ron Jeremy are sitting together either watching one of his films or practicing lines. One of the best jokes is when Andy accuses Ron of being gay because his mule touches another guys very very briefly when they are doing the same girl, Ron attempts to argue otherwise but Andy doesn't buy it. Truly priceless material.


This movie gets a four out of five in my book. It's just plain funny funny stuff. Plus it's relatively short too, only clocking in at about 40 or so minutes. It did seem like a perfect amount of time to wrap it up in.
» Land of the Dead


Damn, now that was a good flick right there. A movie to do the zombie genre justice. Thank you Mr. Romero. This one is the latest release in the Dead series. The great thing about this one is you don't have to have seen the previous movies to get what's going on. The short little bit in the beginning brings you up to speed, but you really don't even need it. So on to the plot. Civilization is being over run by the walking dead or life challenged depending on how you look at it. The survivors have holed up in a city, they raid smaller towns for food and supplies to keep things going. The rich and wealthy live in normality in this jumbo sized sky scraper while the poor live in destitution. So one of the raiding parties ends up some how or another pissing off this one zombie who just happens to be just a little more with it than the rest of the undead. Well they end up heading for the city and chaos ensues. Actors of note are Dennis Hopper as the guy in charge of the city. He is a wonderful jerk. John Leguizamo is Cholo, one of the guys in the raiding party. Still typical Leguizamo with his moves and actions, but he's good. Oh! I musn't forget, there is a completely bitchin ride in this one too. This death dealing machine goes by the name of "Dead Reckoning". It's a specially armored truck that they take out on the raids for supplies. Complete with M60 machine guns on both sides, a pair of mini guns up front, and two missle launchers on the roof. This truck is one bad ass piece of gear. Now onto the zombies, a multitude of flesh devouring undead. They advance with a slow and determined pace and are learing as well as becoming more aware of their surroundings. The killings are fantastic, the gore is wonderful. Blood spraying and splattering, very creative death sequences. Romero also has his socio-political message in this one as well, it's there and pretty obvious. But hell, to me Land of the Dead is just a kick ass zombie movie.


This one slays me with a four out of five. For as cool as it is, it still seemed to be missing something. I do know that Land of the Dead is fantastic and I certainly reccommend it highly! It might just leave you craving human flesh when you leave the theatre, well no, no it won't. Remind me not to throw in stupid catch lines like that.
» Last Man Standing


It's the 1930's and the lone traveller rolls into town. This individual just happens to be Bruce Willis, and knowing how things go in an action movie involving Bruce Willis, yes things are gonna get a little wild. This movie has some of the most kick ass gunfights ever. The town that Willis rolls into is controlled by two rival gangs. These gangs are under a pretty thin truce, seeing an opportunity to make some cashola Brucey-poo begins playing one gang off another. Violence erupts on the streets of the backwater dirt hole of a town and undertaker begins to do some heavy business. There is not much in the way of plot or story, the idea is very basic. There is even a girl in there some where, well two actually, some mexicans, and a whole hella lotta guns. One of the most wonderful things I find about this movie is Bruce's character uses a pair of Colt 1911 hand guns (my favorite gun mind you) while the rest of the populace uses revolvers. Christopher Walken shows up as a particularly gruesome thug, one of the gangs top liutenants. His weapon of choice is the oh so wonderful Thompson sub machine gun. Walken cleans house in one scene with the tommy gun. You'll also notice a lot of other actors in this flick who show up else where, they will all leave you going he is good but damned if I know his name.


While it's not really an incredible front runner by any means, Last Man Standing is a great flick with some hardcore gun slinging. Slim on story, but here it doesn't really make a difference. This one cruises in on four skulls.
» Batman Begins


If you are thinking this is another lame excuse of a Batman movie, think again. This movie also comes through with a pretty hefty cast of all star actors as well. Christian Bale is Batman/Bruce Wayne and Michael Caine as Alfred, we also get to see the likes of Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Katie Holmes, Gary Oldman and Rutger Hauer. Oddly enough Katie Holmes did not bug the living crap out of me. So what we have here is the roots of Batman, his drives and motivations. We get to see the reasons why he becomes Batman. He doesn't even truly don the mask until a good portion in the the movie. Really delving into a good portion of the psychological aspects of the character, there are some really potent lines about right and wrong, good and evil. We see why Gotham becomes such a horrible place to live, it's slow spiral from a bright gleaming city, with huge towers and reflective surfaces to a dark and dingy, rotten and horrid place. The gear Batman gets his hands on is absolutely fantastic, especially the "car". One of the most bad ass pieces of equipment I have ever seen show up in any movie, I want one in the worst way possible. Screw the high tech climbing gear, grappling devices, and high tech cape. Give me that out of control, big wheel monstrosity of transportation. So, back on track, in every super hero movie you have to have your villians. It's just a requirement. Gotham city is as corrupt as corrupt can be so crime is rampant and one of the villians just happens to be a pretty big crime boss. The first actual masked villian that Batman has to deal with ends up being The Scarecrow, a some what low key part but pretty cool none the less. Especially when he winds up on horseback. Let's also not forget to give a tip of the hat to Michael Caine's Alfred. The little funny quips he spouts off with are very funny.


This movie deserves all it gets. Finally some one has come along and turned a lame ass movie series into something much better and much greater. Full of some pretty intense emotion early on and a lot of wonderful actors and characters. Five out of five all the way. Go see it.
» Assault on Precinct 13


Ethan Hawke is an ex-under cover cop who after a bad bust winds up behind the desk at a run down police station that is scheduled to close. Huge winter storm comes to town and a bus transporting a high profile prisoner (Lawrence Fishburne) has to stay at the station over night. Thing is, there are a group of certain individuals who don't want to see Fishburne's character make it through the night.
This movie is fantastic. It's loaded with some really top notch action scenes. If you are a gun fan, you will have a blast looking at all of the different fire arms that are rolled out in this movie. Ethan Hawke does a great job as the troubled sergeant and Fishburne excels as always in his role as a bad ass mo fo. Throw in a few others like John Leguizamo and Ja Rule, who have small roles, and it's pretty well rounded out. Leguizamo certainly has some funny little tid bits here and there but Ja Rule is basically just there. The movie does get a little odd at certain spots, like when all of a sudden one of the characters convieniently remembers that there is access to the sewers through which they can try to escape. Then there is this scene where they wind up in a forest, where the hell did the woods come from? None of the wide shots show any sort of greenery. I guess they figured toward the end of the flick that throwing the final scenes in the woods would be cool. It works, but it certain is a choppy transition.


This movie gets a healthy four out of five skulls. It's action packed, some really intense scenes and it really doesn't happen to bog down to much along the way. The only thing it suffers from is the little hiccups of the woods and the convient "oh yeah there IS a way out." Barring those little misgivings, it's a great flick.
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